Discernment
by Raven3182
Summary: Clark doesn't know what to do or who to talk to about his feelings for Lois when he comes across a man that just might have some answers. General Superman mythology and universe only, no SR and Lois doesn't know Clark's secret. COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1: The View From Above

Author's note: This is my first attempt at writing any sort of fan fiction. This story is going to try to explore Superman's character and motivations, especially with Lois. Any criticism is welcome. Let me know what you think, if you enjoy it, let me know and I might write some more...

Oh, and as usual, I own nothing, etc.

This chapter has been slightly updated as of Nov. 20, 2008

* * *

They can be a great people, Kal-El, if they wish to be.

They only lack the light to show the way.

For this reason above all, their capacity for good,

I have sent them you,

My only son.

***

Chapter I: The View From Above

Clark quietly sat on top of the _Daily Planet_ building with his feet dangling over the edge. His crimson cape was caught up by the cold November wind and billowed about him as he watched the people hurry about below. Tonight was a slow, uneventful night; there was nothing terribly exciting going on in the world at the moment, so long hours in the Bull Pen were not needed. He had left the office at six and went out on patrol, but no one seemed to particularly need his help this evening. He searched the city with his enhanced senses for any sort of trouble or call for help but found none.

So he was left alone with his thoughts as he sat and watched the people go by on the streets below. Clark saw a lot of terrible things as Superman; he typically saw more of man's inhumanity in one day that most people would see in their entire lives. Yet all the evil, all the pettiness that he saw never managed to dishearten him; after all was said and done he still firmly believed in the inherent goodness of mankind. This was one of the reasons that he enjoyed watching the people below go about their business so much, ordinary people who were totally unaware of his silent presence hundreds of feet above them.

But today was different. Clark's heart was heavy for some reason that he could not quite put his finger on at the moment. He looked down to see a very stressed out woman desperately trying to keep control of her three young boys. There was an elderly man sitting on a park bench watching the people go by, this sight made him quietly chuckle to himself; maybe he was just like him. Then his eyes landed on a young couple leisurely strolling down the sidewalk, completely oblivious to anything and anyone except each other. These two people were very obviously in love, and as he watched them, Clark's heart sank a little lower.

_Is that it?_ Clark thought to himself, _am I lovesick or something?_ As he watched the couple round the corner and move out of sight, he found that he was indeed envious of the life that these two unknown people seemed to be so happily living with each other. As the two strangers disappeared from view, thoughts of Lois immediately appeared in his mind: her long dark hair, bright eyes and the mischievous smile that would creep onto her face when she was preparing to do something particularly reckless. He missed her, even though he had seen her just couple of hours ago. Clark rolled his eyes and thought to himself, _Poor Superman, feeling sorry for himself again…_

But Clark honestly did not know what to do about feelings like these. At the moment, he would have much preferred to have a great chuck of kryptonite strapped to his chest than to be sitting at the top of Metropolis wallowing in his own self pity. He was lonely and he did not know what to do about it.

It wasn't being by himself that made him lonely, something like that could be easily cured for the Man of Steel. After all, virtually every man, woman and child in the country simply adored Superman, all he needed to do was fly down to the street and he would be swarmed by hundreds of people. But that was part of the problem; he was not Superman. Superman was really just the blue tights and the red cape that he wore under his clothes everyday. Superman was just a mask. In reality he was Clark Kent; the bumbling, nerdy reporter who worked for the_ Daily Planet_. And for Clark Kent, there was really only one person that he thought that he could really depend on: his mother.

_Or maybe Lois_, he thought to himself. Lois and he had grown very close during the years that they had been working together but he also knew that she would never really understand him as long as he kept her in the dark about his double-life. Besides, the romantic feelings that Clark had for her tended to just increase his loneliness after spending time with her. Being with her was great, but the end always came too soon and leaving her was becoming increasingly difficult.

He needed someone to talk to about all of this but whom? His mother was never helpful with romantic advice. She would only tell him to quit worrying and then proceed to plan out how he should get married and give her some grandchildren while she was still around to see them. Clark did not need that right now. But if he couldn't talk to his mother because she wouldn't be any help, and he couldn't talk to Lois because she seemed to be at the center of his current problem, who could he talk to?

Clark's gaze returned to the people below him. He envied them more then ever. Their lives seemed so simple to his Kryptonian eyes. Ordinary people didn't have to worry about leading double lives or keeping secrets. They could simply live and be free.

Just then he saw a man dressed completely in black walking down 52nd Street. Clark's eyes were curiously drawn to this man for some unknown reason. It wasn't until the man was nearing St. John's Church that Clark finally realized why he was only wearing black: he was a priest. Clark had never really talked to a priest before, sure he had said hello and made small talk on the few occasions that he came across them, but he had never really spoken to a priest about anything important. But for some unknown reason, he suddenly felt like giving it a shot, after all, what harm could it do? Maybe some spiritual advice could help him figure out what he should do.

Just as he was about to push off from his seat and head for the church, he heard an alarm go off on the other side of the city. Meeting the priest would have to wait for now, Superman was needed elsewhere at the moment. But as he sped off in the direction of the bank robbery in progress, Clark made a mental note to visit St. John's Church in the very near future.


	2. Chapter 2: Community

Chapter II: Community

The next morning Clark found himself standing on the sidewalk in front of St. John's Church. It was still relatively early, and the sun still had yet to make its way above the tall skyscrapers that formed the great city of Metropolis. The streets were cloaked in shadow, which to Clark seemed perfectly natural.

He had no idea what to do. Talking to a priest didn't seem as attractive today as it had last night. After all, what could a priest have to say to a lonely alien? Clark sighed and looked down at his feet, this wasn't like him; he never referred to himself as an alien. He was _Clark_, the small-town boy from Smallville, Kansas. No matter how many amazing powers he had, how many times Jor-El tried to tell him that he wasn't really human, or even how cool he thought his crystalline Fortress of Solitude was, he had never really _connected_ with any of it.

The things that he knew, the things that he loved had always been very human. He loved watching the sun rise over the golden farmlands and plains of Middle America, he loved spending the evening with his feet up on the table and a good book in his hands, he loved the smell of a hot-off-the-presses newspaper.

_And he loved Lois_.

Or did he? Again, he seemed to be unable to raise his thoughts above his alien nature. Right now, it didn't matter that he knew better, he couldn't help but see himself as totally alone in this world. He was the Last Son of Krypton; he wasn't really human. And if he wasn't really human, how could he be sure that the feelings that he had for Lois were really love? For that matter, how could he be sure that he could identify with any human being about any subject whatsoever?

Again he sighed, and looked up to the doors of the great gothic building before him. St. John's Church was one of the oldest buildings in Metropolis. It was built in the mid-nineteenth century by poor European immigrants. That was a fact that had always amazed Clark just a little bit. The people that had built this magnificent structure often did not have enough money to provide for their own basic needs. Yet, together they had managed to build something that was truly beautiful. They had doubtlessly sacrificed a lot from their personal lives in order to build something that could benefit the entire community.

_Community_. When was the last time that Clark had actually felt like he was part of a community? He wasn't sure that he could remember. Lately he was just so very lonely that he wasn't even sure he knew what being part of a community felt like. A community was a group in which you belonged. Your community was your home. Clark remembered feeling like that as a child. Ma and Pa had always loved him and he always felt safe with them. He thought of growing up in Smallville, and while he certainly wasn't very popular in high school, he did feel at home there, especially with Pete and Lana.

But now what community was he supposed to have? Pa was dead. Pete and Lana were gone. The only communities that he had ever really known were broken. Well, that wasn't completely true; he did have the _Planet_ after all. But did he really belong there? Most of the people at the _Daily Planet_ didn't even know that he existed. They walked all over him and routinely ignored him. But then again, that was partially his own fault; he did exaggerate his awkward shyness for just that result. But he did have his friends at the _Planet_, like Jimmy and Perry.

_And Lois_.

What on earth was he going to do about Lois? Not too long ago he had felt so at home with Lois, Jimmy and Perry. But now, ever since he realized that he had other feelings for Lois, his little community at the _Planet_ had begun to feel strange. Of course, it wasn't the others who changed the dynamic, it was him. Every moment that he saw Lois would bring joy to his heart but it also brought sadness because he didn't know what to do about it. He couldn't just tell her, his life was way too complicated for that. So what could he do?

Again his eyes focused on the doors of St. John's Church. Inside, he heard the voice of a man speaking. Without really knowing why, he drew his attention to that voice and to the words the man was saying.

"And I have given them the glory you gave me, so that they may be one, as we are one, I in them and you in me, that they may be brought to perfection as one, that the world may know that you sent me, and that you loved them even as you loved me."

Clark looked into the church to try and find the source of those words. He saw that there was a small group of people inside, all standing and listening to the words of a man standing behind a large pulpit. Clark immediately recognized him as the priest that he had seen the night before, only now he was no longer dressed in black but instead had on some sort of long, green and white robe. The rest of the people sat down, but the priest remained standing at the pulpit.

_He must be preparing to deliver his sermon_, Clark though to himself, _maybe I'll go in and see what he has to say._

Clark quietly walked forward and pushed open the large wooden door of the church. The first thing he noticed was the smell. It would probably have been too faint for a normal man to notice, but to Clark, this building was full of the sweet aroma of incense. The ceiling was several stories above him, held up by graceful gothic columns and arches. Clark found an empty seat in the back of the church and settled in to listen to what the priest had already begun saying.

"…with these words, our Lord tells us of his great desire for humanity. He desires that we be one, just as he is one with the Father. And not only does he want us to be one with each other, but also with him. The whole of creation, every man, woman and child is made to live in unity with one another and with God. We are designed to dwell together within the mystery of the Trinity that is Unity. We are a _community_ of faith held together by the bonds of love."

Clark sat in silence as he listened to the priest. _We are a community of faith_. Those words seemed to pierce right through him. Clark desperately wanted to be part of a community like that. Maybe talking to this priest wasn't such a bad idea after all. But there was a problem, was he really meant to be part of a community like the one the priest was talking about? After all, Clark wasn't human; he was an alien. Talking to the priest while he was dressed as Clark wouldn't solve any of his problems. He would need to come back later while wearing his costume. Could this priest be of any help to a Kryptonian?

Clark looked down at his watch; seven-thirty, it was time for him to get to work. He quietly rose from his seat and made his way to the door. Before leaving, he looked back over his shoulder to see that the priest was now seated in silence.

_He must be praying_, Clark thought to himself, _good_. Then he opened the door and walked out into the light to make his way to the _Daily Planet_ building. The sun had finally risen from behind the dark buildings to shed its light upon the people of Metropolis. As he made his way to work, Clark wondered how Superman was going to get a chance to speak to this priest alone.


	3. Chapter 3: Vulnerability

Chapter III: Vulnerability

For the fourth night in a row Clark flew over St. John's Church. He had already made up his mind that he wanted to talk to the priest, but the problem was that the man never seemed to be around when Clark had a spare moment. _What could this guy be doing all the time?_ Clark thought to himself, _he can't be that busy_.

Just then, as he was about to fly off and finish his nightly patrol, he saw a car pull into the rectory's driveway. Clark stopped in midair and watched the priest get out of the car and slowly walk over to the front door. To Clark, the priest seemed to be _very _tired. After all, it was after Midnight. _Why would a priest be out so late?_ Maybe he would ask.

Clark had decided that a direct approach about having some sort of conversation would be the best. So, after waiting a few minutes for the priest to get settled, Clark simply landed near the front door of the rectory and rang the door bell.

"Just a minute," he heard a voice on the other side of the door say. A moment later the door opened as the priest said, "And what can I do for… oh."

Clearly, this man was not used to Superman showing up at his front door. The priest's eyes widened a little as he took in and tried to process the fact that the Man of Steel was standing on his doorstep. Clark couldn't really blame him; he tended to have this effect on people when he was wearing the costume.

"Umm, hello, Mr. Superman," the priest said after he recovered his wits, "is there something I can help you with?"

"It's Father Mike, right?" Clark asked as he extended his hand in greeting, "I looked up your name in the phone book."

"That's right," said the priest as he found himself shaking hands with Superman. "Is there something that you need me for?" he asked as the last of his shock wore off, "is there someone hurt that needs a priest? Just give me a second to grab my oils…"

"Oh, no, it's nothing like that," Clark quickly responded.

"Oh. Thank the Lord, with you appearing at my door in the middle of the night, I guess I just assumed that someone you were helping had asked for a priest."

Just then Clark realized that it was indeed the middle of the night. _What am I doing? This man is obviously tired and would probably like nothing more than to go to bed. I should leave._

"Well, since there's no dire emergency," the priest continued, "why don't you come in and let me know what you're here about?"

"I'm sorry, I'm not really sure what I was thinking, I should probably come back at a more reasonable hour," Clark said as he turned to leave, "please forgive the intrusion."

"Nonsense," replied the priest, "it's no intrusion. Now come in." And with that, the priest motioned for Clark to follow him into a small sitting room just inside the doorway. The room was furnished with a couch and two matching sitting chairs, as well as an old wooden writing table and chair off in the corner. The priest motioned for Clark to take a seat.

"Can I offer you anything to drink?"

"No, thank you," Clark answered, "are you sure that you wouldn't prefer that I come back during regular office hours?"

The priest chuckled softly to himself as he seated himself in the chair opposite of Clark. "Mr. Superman…"

"Just 'Superman' is fine."

"Okay, Superman, let me just say this to put you at ease a little: a priest doesn't exactly have office hours. I can't stop being a priest once five o'clock rolls around. I'm always a priest; I'm always on duty."

_Always on duty; maybe this guy might understand a little of what it's like to be Superman_.

The priest continued, "For example, I've spent the last six nights at Metropolis General Hospital with a family from my parish."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, their youngest boy is losing his fight with leukemia."

"Oh."

"So don't feel like you're intruding on my private time, I don't really consider myself to have private time, I am here to help whoever needs it in whatever way I can. So what can I do for you?"

"Well," Clark began, "I'm not really sure. What I was going to say seemed a lot clearer a few days ago…"

Clark waited for the priest to respond but he didn't, he just sat there listening. Clark was beginning to get nervous. _Why am I nervous? I've never been like this before, I mean, it seems like I face down a kryptonite-wielding Lex Luthor every other week and I never lose my cool. I just don't get nervous._

Then he thought of Lois.

_Well, I almost never get nervous._

"You see, I lead a bit of a complicated life… err… I'm not really sure how to say this or what to say… umm…"

"It's okay, you can relax," the priest said, "I won't repeat what you say to me tonight. No one will ever even know that you were here. It's just between you and me and God."

"Okay, here it is then. I'm not happy." The priest nodded for Clark to continue; "now I bet that most people would find that pretty strange, Superman not being happy. I mean, I have all these incredible abilities, who wouldn't be completely happy if they could do what I can do?

"I feel so alone all the time, which I know must sound strange since people tend to gather around me wherever I go, but none of them really know me, none of them really care about _me_. They just want a piece of me. They're in love with Superman, and to tell you the truth, I'm not really Superman."

"Oh?" asked the priest with a slightly confused look on his face.

"Superman is who people see; he's a brightly-colored costume that I wear so that the guy's with guns will direct their attention to me."

"Well," interrupted the priest, "what would you like me to call you then?"

"'Superman' will be fine."

"No it won't. You've just told me that you're not really 'Superman' which makes perfect sense, by the way. People are not defined by their function. A job is not who you are. You must have a real name that wasn't invented by a newspaper."

"Well…" _okay, what do I say here?_ Clark thought to himself. And truth be told, he was a little anxious about how close the priest had come to saying that he must be leading some sort of hidden double life.

"Okay, why don't you call me 'Kal'?" Even though Clark didn't really identify with his alien heritage very much, he didn't mind his Kryptonian name: 'Kal-El,' even if that wasn't who he _really_ was but he definitely was not going to tell a man that he had just met that his real name was Clark.

He hadn't even been able to tell Lois that.

"'Kal'?" the priest asked, slightly lifting one eyebrow.

"It's my Kryptonian name."

"I see. Well that's good enough for now, I guess."

Again, Clark found himself feeling a little uneasy. He could tell that the priest knew that his real name wasn't Kal-El. The priest knew that he probably had a normal name, but he also had a feeling that he wouldn't press the issue too much. At least for now.

"But anyway, isn't there anyone that you can let your guard down with?" the priest said as he steered the conversation back on course, "someone that you can stop being 'Superman' with?"

"Well…" _Just tell him about Lois already!_ Clark inwardly admonished himself, _that's why I'm here isn't it? Lois. What am I supposed to do about Lois?_

"I do have a couple of friends. Sort of."

"Sort of?"

"Even they don't really know me." _Because I can't tell them who I really am. Because I won't tell her._ "It's all very complicated."

"I'm beginning to see that," replied the priest. "What makes it so complicated?"

"Well, just think about it for a second, as Superman, I have a lot of enemies and if they were to find out who my friends were, they could be in great danger."

"So instead of risking a relationship, you pull away from the people you care about, is that it?"

"I think you could say that." _You could also say that I'm living a double life and lying to them about who I really am._

"Kal," said the priest as he leaned forward in his chair, "maybe keeping them so far away isn't really about protecting them. Maybe it's about protecting yourself."

Now it was Clark's turn to raise an eyebrow, "What do you mean?"

"Well, let me just say this: friendship requires a certain amount of vulnerability. If a man desires friendship, if he wants to be a part of a community, he has to be willing to put himself at risk. By keeping everyone else at arm's length, you're not giving friendship a chance to take hold in your relationships. If you refuse to let anyone into your heart, eventually your heart will become cold and hard; incapable of loving anything or anyone."

"Hmm…" _maybe he's right; maybe I've made my heart as invulnerable as my skin. But that can't really true, after all, Lois seems to have found her way in._

_Lois. Come on Clark, you need to bring up Lois! Quit skirting the issue!_

"You know, I think you're right, Father," Clark said to the priest, "I think I just need to be a little more open with my friends." _I'm such a coward._

"Are you sure that's all that was bothering you?" the priest asked.

"Yes," Clark said as he stood up and made his way over to the door. "Thank you very much for you time, but I better be off."

His sudden movement seemed to catch the priest a little off guard.

"Well, if you ever want to talk again, know that my door is always open."

"Thank you. But I probably won't be back. Have a nice evening."

And with that, Clark opened the door and took off into the night. As he flew into the darkness, Clark heard the priest's voice, "Lord, go with him. Our Father, who art in heaven…"

***

Not long afterwards, Clark once again found himself sitting and thinking at the top of the _Daily Planet_ Building. _Why did I rush off like that?_ This was the first time that Clark could think of that he had ever rushed out of the middle of a conversation without there being some sort of disaster in progress. He knew that his heavy heart had nothing to do with how he interacted with Jimmy or Perry. He didn't go to talk to the priest about troubled friendships.

He went to talk about Lois.

And he ran away just when the topic was about to come up. Clark knew he normally wasn't the type to flee when danger reared its ugly head. As Superman he knew fear rather well, he was almost always afraid that he would fail just when he was needed the most. But he never ran away. Why was this fear so different? What was it that made him turn and run?

Lois.

Was he afraid to admit to someone else that he was in love with her? Was he afraid to say those words out loud? Maybe he was just afraid of being vulnerable; with the priest with his mother, with Lois. Maybe the priest was right, in a way. He couldn't let this just end here. He needed to figure out what he was supposed to do. Talking to the priest was supposed to clear things up. _Well, maybe it would have if you had actually told him something important_.

Clark sighed and looked out over the city that he loved. It was late, probably after three in the morning. He should get home for a few hours of sleep before he had to be at the _Planet_ in the morning.

_Before he had to see Lois again_. At that thought, the fear gripped him again.

Maybe he would be seeing the priest again after all.


	4. Chapter 4: Hope

Chapter IV: Hope

Later that week, Clark once again found himself standing at the front door of St. John's rectory. It was late -- almost eleven-thirty; the priest had been out at the hospital once again. Clark realized that the man must go there a lot. Clark had been circling in the skies high above the church, watching and waiting for the priest to return. Once he was back, Clark gave the man a few minutes to settle himself before swooping down to the doorstep.

Clark raised his hand to knock on the door, hesitated, and then let his hand fall back to his side. _I don't even know what to say to him._ But even though he had ran off during the middle of their last conversation, talking to the priest felt good for some mysterious reason. This man in black simply seemed to 'get it.'

Clark raised his hand one more time and he actually found the courage to knock on the door.

"Just a minute," a voice said from the other side of the door. Soon the door swung open to reveal the smiling face of the priest, who said, "Well if it isn't Kal, I thought you might be back again. Please, come on in." With that, Clark was once again ushered into the sitting room.

"I'm sorry to bother you again, Father..." Clark managed to squeeze our before his words were dismissed by the priest.

"Nonsense, like I told you before, I am here to serve the people in whatever way I can. You are never a bother. Now then, can I offer you something to drink? Some water or tea maybe?"

"No, thank you," replied the man decked out in bright blue, red and yellow.

The priest took a seat in one of the chairs and gestured for Clark to do the same.

"I hear that you paid a visit to the cancer ward at Metropolis General yesterday and that you paid special attention to the children. That was very kind of you."

Clark simply smiled and nodded his head. He had to give this priest credit for returning to that hospital everyday. Seeing Superman in the flesh had obviously brought a lot of joy to those young faces, but seeing children that were literally wasting away was a very difficult thing to do. Invulnerable skin doesn't stop everything from getting through. He wasn't sure if visiting such a sad place was something that he could manage every day. How the priest managed to do so and yet always seem so happy was a mystery.

"Those children are some of the bravest people I've seen."

"Yes, they really are," replied the priest, "they are truly one of God's great gifts to this city. Most of those kids have no chance of recovery. Ninety percent of them will not see Christmas. Science would say that they have no hope. But what do you think? When you looked into their faces, into their bright little eyes, did you see hope there?"

"Yes."

"We could all benefit from spending a little more time with children like them I think. They can teach even the strongest of us that not matter how dark the night becomes, there is always the hope that the dawn is coming."

Clark simply stared into his hands. Hope. What did he have to hope for? Right now he couldn't think of a single thing. Maybe this man dressed in black, this priest could show him where hope was hiding within his own darkness.

Clark let out a long sigh, "Father," he paused to gather his strength, "you say that there is always hope, but right now I have none. What do I do?"

Clark looked up from his hands to see the priest watching him very carefully. Was he surprised that Superman of all people should be without hope? _Of course something like that would take him by surprise, I'm supposed to be some sort of great light for the world, a beacon of hope to human beings. Of course it's surprising that I would say something like 'I'm hopeless.'_

"I thought there was something like that going on behind those bright blue eyes the last time we talked."

The priest's words startled Clark so much he almost jumped. _He isn't surprised? He knew I felt like this?_

"Don't be so surprised, Kal, I talk to a lot of people everyday. Every person on this planet struggles with life at one point or another. Some of them struggle forever. So, don't be taken aback because I recognized a little hopelessness in you last time. I've had lots of practice."

"Why didn't you say something before?" Clark asked.

"That's not my job. I can't force someone to deal with something if they aren't ready for it yet. My role in situations like this is to simply help people see themselves with the eyes of God. But the onus is on you to find the heart of the issue. I'm just a tool; the real conversation needs to be between you and God."

"I see."

"Well, tell me about this hopelessness that you're experiencing," the priest said as he studied Clark's face.

"Well, it's rather complicated…" Clark began and then stopped again. _What am I supposed to say to him? I can't just reveal my secret to this man, no matter what benefit it would be to me. I can't make him bear a secret that might put his life in jeopardy._ "There's a woman," _Lois_, "who is very important to me…" Clark looked up to see how the priest had reacted. Information like this could be worth a lot of money to the right people. Superman's love life, real or imagined, seemed to always be gracing the tabloid covers. However, the priest didn't seem to get too excited at this revelation, he simply nodded his head and waited for Clark to go on.

Clark lowered his eyes back to his hands and continued, "I, well, you see… I've know her for a very long time. She seems to be the only person on this planet that really understands me. While thousands of people stop and stare at me everyday and try to put me on a pedestal for their worship, she never seems to have that reaction. It's like she's always been able to see the man underneath the costume."

"Tell me a little more about her," said the priest.

"She's beautiful for one. She has these perfect brown eyes that just light up the room no matter where she is. When we're outside at night, it's like every star in every galaxy is perfectly reflected in those brilliant eyes. She has long, dark hair that is softer than silk and smells like apricots. She can look a little delicate at times, but don't be fooled, she is absolutely the strongest woman on the planet, and that means something coming from me. She never backs away from a fight, whether it's a stupid argument over who stole her stapler or it's facing down Lex Luthor. She's smart and funny and sometimes I'm certain that she can see right through me and that she could make me melt with merely a casual thought."

Clark felt his heart begin to ache as he described Lois to the man sitting across from him. It was a tightness in his chest that came whenever he thought of her and would normally linger there for hours afterwards.

"At other times, it's like she doesn't even know I'm alive."

_Maybe I shouldn't have said that last bit; I mean, he doesn't exactly know what I'm talking about. He can't understand that I know Lois both as Superman and as mild-mannered, invisible Clark Kent. Oh Lois…_

"Do you love her?"

"Yes. No. I don't know. I don't even know if I'm capable of feeling what you call love. I'm not human after all. I'm an alien."

Clark closed his eyes and hung his head as he waited in silence for the priest to respond.

"Kal," the priest said after a moment as he leaned forward in his chair, "I've seen the things you do everyday for the people of this city and this world. You constantly put yourself out there to help others and you ask nothing in return. You went to visit those children in the hospital just because I mentioned that one of my parishioners was there with leukemia. If anyone knows the meaning of humanity in this world, if anyone knows what it means to love, it's _you_."

Clark simply stared at the priest. He was speechless.

The man across from him continued, "What exactly did you think you were doing this entire time? Why are you always so eager to help people that you don't even know? You give of your time and energy, you set a good, healthy example for the children of this planet, and even though you are virtually impervious to all harm, you have put yourself into a few situations that have nearly gotten you killed. Why do you do all of this? What is your motive? To me it is a clear as the light of day: you love the people of this world with all of your heart and soul. For you to say that you're not sure if you're even capable of love is like hearing a fish say that it doesn't know how to swim. For you, loving is as simple as breathing."

Again, Clark was simply speechless. Was he really all those things that the priest had just said? Why did he decide to help people all the time?

_Because I am capable of helping others, therefore I have to help them._

But why did he have to do so? No one was forcing him. Every time that he made up some lame excuse to rush out of the bullpen or out of a lunch with Lois was his choice. He was the one that decided his actions, no one else. Why did he always choose to help when he could?

Then he thought of those children in the cancer ward at Metropolis General. The hope that was so evident in their eyes. He thought about watching the sun set as he floated above the clouds. He thought of Jimmy and the goofy bowties that he always wore. He thought of the old woman who offered him a batch of homemade cookies after he saved her from getting run over by a car yesterday.

He thought of Krypton. He thought of the desolate graveyard of debris that was now slowly floating through space. His father sent him to this world in the hope that he would have a chance for life. The mere fact that he wasn't dead along with the rest of his race was in itself a miracle.

He thought of the earth, his adoptive world, his home. The priest was right, he truly did love everything and everyone in this world. He would do anything to protect it. He loved it with his whole heart simply because it had given him a chance for life when no chance should have been there.

He thought of Lois.

"Yes," he said after he emerged from the silence of his thoughts, "I do love her."

The priest simply smiled as he watched the great Man of Steel admit his very human feelings for a woman.

"Kal," the priest said very softly, "wherever there is love, there is God. And wherever there is God, there is always hope."

Clark sat in silence, thinking. _Wherever there is love, there is God. And wherever there is God, there is always hope. I guess I'm not really hopeless after all._

"So, I may have some hope, and I know that I'm in love, but I have absolutely no idea what to do about any of it."

"That," said the priest, "is a much more difficult question."

Suddenly, Clark tensed as he heard the now familiar sound of gunfire from the other side of the city. "I have to go," he said as he solemnly rose to his feet, "I'm needed elsewhere."

"Of course," replied the priest as he too rose to his feet. "Just know that you are welcome to come back at anytime. I'll be praying for you."

"Thank you." And without another moment slipping by, Clark was in the air and speeding across the dark winter sky above Metropolis toward whatever evil was threatening the lives of the people that he loved so very much. The night might be dark, but Clark was beginning to feel like the dawn wasn't so far off.

_After all, there's always hope._

The thought made a small smile spread across his face.

_Now if only I had some idea of what I am supposed to do about Lois._


	5. Chapter 5: Vocation

Chapter V: Vocation

Clark stood looking at the sunset from the top of the bell tower of St. John's Church. This was hardly the best viewpoint to watch a Metropolis sunset of course, but right now, that didn't really matter. Clark had always loved watching the setting sun; there was something in this everyday occurrence that simply spoke of the glory of creation. Maybe it was the way that the sun seemed larger in the sky, or how the heavens glowed in splendid red, orange and gold. It was simply magnificent.

Clark turned, which stirred his crimson cape to flutter in the wind for a moment, and regarded his companion. The priest was simply standing and taking in the moment. He seemed to be enjoying the sunset almost as much as Clark did. Clark had seen so many sunsets from so many different places; he had seen it sink beneath the sand while perched atop the Great Pyramid of Giza, he had watched as it sank behind the icy landscape of the far north, and most spectacularly, he had watched the sun descend behind the curved horizon o the planet as he floated in the silence of space. But his favorite place to see the sunset was from the top of the _Daily Planet_.

_Well, it wasn't so much the place that mattered, as who he had always watched the sunset with._

_Lois._

Just yesterday they had enjoyed the sunset together. Lois had gone up to the roof to clear her head, and Clark took the opportunity to sneak out of the office and reappear on the roof as Superman. It was rare that they could share this kind of opportunity with each other. Clark closed his eyes and traveled back in time.

"_When I was a little girl," Lois said, "my mother would sometimes take me up onto the roof of the house to watch the sunset. I never really seem to do this anymore, except when I'm with you of course…"_

_They had been standing there, together under the great golden globe of the Daily Planet for a little while, neither of them speaking much._

"_When I was a boy," Clark said, "I would sometimes climb to the top of the water tower in town to watch the setting sun. My mother hated when I did that; it would always scare her half to death." He let out a small chuckle, "This was before we knew that nothing could hurt me."_

_He looked over to see that Lois was studying his face. It was rare that he let slip something about his childhood in one of their conversations; he was usually too afraid that she would be able to piece the information together and figure out his dual identities. But that night, Lois simply had a smile on her face as she regarded him. She wasn't trying to piece together the great puzzle that was Superman; she was simply enjoying the moment. _

_She moved to stand next to him and tilted her head to rest on his shoulder as they watched the sun sink behind the horizon together. Clark's heart began to beat faster within his chest and he could hear Lois' respond in a similar fashion. Once the sun was gone and darkness began to spread over the city, Lois turned to face him and look into his eyes._

_His heart was now racing and he could feel himself start to sweat. Clark could fly through a nuclear blast or even the center of the sun without the slightest ill effect, yet when Lois Lane looked into his eyes, he began to sweat. She was so beautiful. She was everything that he wanted. He knew that she had feelings for him; at least, she had feelings for Superman if not for Clark._

_If only he knew what to do about it._

_She took a step closer to him, laid a hand on his shoulder and began to lift herself up onto her toes. Her intent was obvious; she was going to bring their relationship to a more intimate level._

_Clark stepped back from her and said, "I'm sorry Lois, but I need to go." And with that, he launched himself into the sky, far away from the dangers of Lois Lane. He left her on the roof top thinking that there was obviously some dire emergency that required his immediate attention. After all, she was used to him rushing off to save the world. But this time there was no cry for help, no innocents in distress that made him speed off into the night. This time Clark decided to leave because he was too afraid to remain on that roof top. He was afraid of what the consequences might be if they allowed themselves to act on their impulses. But most of all, he was afraid because for the first time in his life, he didn't know what was the right thing to do._

Clark let out a loud sigh and brought his mind back to the present: the bell tower of St. John's church. The priest was still silent; obviously, he was waiting for Clark to begin the conversation. The man had too much patience.

"I love her," Clark said as he stared out into the distance, "and I have no idea what I should do about it."

"Falling in love can be a difficult thing," the priest replied softly, "I would say that more often than not, most people are unsure what to do about it." The priest again regarded Clark in silence for a moment before asking, "What makes it difficult for you?"

"I'm not really sure. I guess that part of it has to do with my so-called 'job,'" Clark said as he gestured to his bright blue and red suit. "Would it really be fair to her to have to compete with the rest of the world for my attention?"

"I see," replied the priest. "Well, it sounds like your problem isn't really what you should do about this woman, but rather what you should do with your own life."

Clark raised a single eyebrow and turned his head to regard the priest.

"What exactly do you mean by that?"

"Well, before you can decide what to do about the woman, you need to figure out what your own vocation is."

Clark was genuinely puzzled by what the priest was saying. _What is he getting at?_

"Okay, this is how I see your situation," the priest began to explain, "now correct me if I am wrong, but you are worried about your priorities in life. On the one hand you have the world; you're Superman, our greatest hero, a man that selflessly gives himself to the world whenever he is needed. You throw yourself into every situation that you can in order to help people that you don't even know. And you do all of this because you have such a great capacity for love.

"On the other hand there is this woman, whom you also love. But, you are afraid of committing yourself to a relationship that will either self-destruct because you are constantly rushing off to save the world or will inhibit your ability to help our world's countless people in need. How am I doing so far?"

"That sounds pretty spot on to me."

"Well, you know what?"

"What?"

The priest regarded him solemnly as he slowly said, "You are absolutely correct. The way I understand it, you cannot have it both ways. You need to make a choice."

Clark tore his eyes away from the priest and again looked into the crimson sun that was now half hidden behind the horizon. "Could you maybe explain that to me a little more?"

"What you are really questioning is the same thing that every individual in this world needs to question: what is your _vocation_?"

"My vocation?"

"Yes. Your vocation is your reason for being; it is what you were created for. Each one of us is created by God for a specific purpose. It seems to me that your difficulties lie in the fact that you are having trouble discerning your vocation, you're doubtful about your place in the world."

Clark simply looked at the priest. He wasn't exactly sure what to make of this, so he just waited for the priest to continue.

"You're right to think that you need to make a choice between dedicating yourself to a woman and dedicating yourself to the people of the world. These are two entirely different vocations. The choice, the discernment that is now before you, is very similar to what many young men go through when they are deciding to become priests."

Clark raised his eyebrows in surprise at that statement. _What exactly is this guy getting at?_

"Let me give you an example," the priest continued, "when I was a young seminarian preparing to be a priest, my bishop told me that he was going to send me off to Rome to study theology. Now this was a very big step for me. I would be leaving home for the first time and the idea of moving to Rome for my priestly formation really seemed to bring home the fact that I was getting ready to lay down my personal life for the sake of others. Because, ultimately, that is what priesthood is all about. The priest is called to sacrifice himself for the good of the Church.

"Now, as I was preparing to leave, my friends decided to throw a going away party for me. But God has a strange way of doing things, because at that party I saw one of my female friends that I hadn't really seen very much for a couple of years.

"And I fell completely in love with her."

Clark's head snapped around when he heard those words. He wasn't expecting to hear anything like this from a priest. He knew that priests weren't allowed to marry, but he never really thought about it before; he just never thought about the kind of life that a priest led.

The priest continued, "Now as you might imagine, falling in love with a girl just before you are supposed to move half-way around the world and dedicate yourself to a life of celibacy can cause a little bit of anxiety in a young man. So, after a few confused, heart-broken days, I decided to go and talk to my bishop.

"Now, I had already thought a lot about celibacy before this happened and I thought I was ready to make that commitment, but suddenly falling in love really can cast another light on the topic. My bishop listened to everything I had to say before giving me a little bit of advice. He said, 'No matter what decision you make, either to go to Rome or to stay here and go after the girl, you will finally learn what it means to love. Love requires sacrifice. It always has, and it always will. The greater the love, the greater the sacrifice that will go along with it.'

"He managed to explain to me that living a life of celibacy wasn't just about giving something up, rather it is really about how we choose to love. Married life requires an _exclusive_ kind of love. You give yourself totally to one other person in a relationship that excludes all others. While you can still love other people as well, your spouse has rightly taken first priority in your life. In order for a man and a woman to love each other as husband and wife, they need to sacrifice everything else.

"A life of celibacy, on the other hand, involves a different type of love. Celibacy is about _inclusive_ love. Everyone is included; there can be no exclusive relationships in the life of a celibate person; it would only serve to destroy the nature of the life that they are trying to live. Celibacy _frees_ the person to devote himself to anyone and everyone that he comes across. A priest needs this kind of love in order to fulfill his ministry. I might be called away at any hour of the day or night to help someone in need. If I had a wife and children I would not be free to do so. For example, how could I possibly choose between being at my child's high school graduation and going to the hospital to anoint a dying parishioner? My life would be full of impossible choices like that. Does that make sense?"

"Yes, it certainly does," Clark said as he hung his head and closed his eyes.

"Now, just because celibacy is sometimes hard does not mean it is always that way. When you understand the positive side of it, you begin to feel its fruits as well. Because you so freely give yourself to others out of love, others will love you in return. It might not be the exact type of love that you would have in a married relationship, but it is love nonetheless.

"The choice is hard because either way you are freely giving up something that is good. A life with a woman as your constant companion on the one hand, and a life lived for the world on the other. Both are good. Both come to us from God. But trying to live both ways at the same time would only lead to breaking the hearts of your loved ones as well as your own."

"So which way should I choose?" Clark quietly asked.

"That is something that I can't tell you. Only you can discern the vocation that God has given you."

Clark sighed and opened his eyes to see the sun finally slip below the horizon. He would have a lot of thinking to do. _I don't want to give up Lois but I can't stop being Superman either. What am I supposed to do?_

"So, what happened with the girl?" Clark asked the priest.

"I went to Rome."

"Did you ever tell her how you felt?"

"No," the priest replied, "I didn't think it would be fair to her."

"Have you ever regretted the choice you made?"

"No. I've never regretted becoming a priest. It is what I was made for. I have sometimes wondered what life would be like if I had chosen differently. And sometimes thinking like that can really start to hurt, but real love, sacrificial love is supposed to hurt. If it doesn't, it's a lie. Christ told us to love one another as He loves us, and His great expression of love was His death on the cross. So, if I am going to love like he did, if I am going to take up my cross and follow him, I have to expect that it is going to be painful at times. But remember, without the pain and death of Good Friday, we would never get to the Joy of the Resurrection."

"Thank you, Father," Clark said as he began to float up into the sky.

"Anytime, Kal. Just remember, no matter what decision you make, God will always be there to guide you."


	6. Chapter 6: Who I Am

Author's Note: Nov. 20, 2008, I've gone back and added a slight change to Chapter I; it's just a short quote at the begining, so go on back and take a look.

* * *

Chapter VI: Who I Am

Clark sat on top of the Daily Planet Building with his feet hanging over the side. A light rain had been falling for the past hour or so and Clark was completely soaked; however, he didn't seem to mind very much. The constant, even fall of the rain was refreshing. He was thinking about how the waters of the heavens would wash away so much of the dirt and filth that could pile up in a great city like Metropolis. The rain would also nourish and strengthen many of the plants and animals that lived in the city. Water was the bringer of new life.

Clark tilted his head back and let the cool, refreshing drops of water fall on his face and form small rivulets that then ran down his neck and over the rest of his body. He hadn't done something like this in a long time; just letting himself enjoy the beauty of creation. He missed the simple pleasures that seemed to be eluding him lately.

_They haven't been eluding me, I've been ignoring them._ The truth of this thought struck him. He had been so caught up in himself that he had ignored many of the things that were going on around him. Not that he thought there was anything wrong with doing that every once in a while; after all, if he didn't get his own life, his own vocation straightened out soon, he wouldn't be of any use to anyone. The world would not benefit from a distracted Superman. And neither would Lois.

Lois.

He still needed to come to a decision about Lois. What was he going to do? Maybe the priest was wrong; maybe he could have it both ways. He could still manage to have a relationship with Lois while devoting himself to helping people in need.

_No. You know that won't work. You would be cheating Lois, the people of earth and yourself. You would simply tear yourself in two and end up hurting the people you care about. Especially Lois._

It wouldn't be fair to her for him to tell her that he loved her and then ask her to take a backseat to the rest of the world. She deserved better than that. She deserved a man that would always be there for her when she was in need. And not just when she was dangling from a rooftop or dodging bullets or any number of strange and dangerous situations that Lois Lane tended to get herself into. Clark knew that as Superman he could always manage to be there for her when the going got rough, but it was the other times that he would miss out on.

A man and a woman in a loving relationship needed to be together for the _good times_ as well as the bad. How many of those good times would require him to abandon her because he needed to run off to some emergency? How many birthdays, holidays, anniversaries and dates would he miss because of the other side of his life? How many absences would it take to finally break her heart to the point that the pieces could not be put back together again?

_I simply can't do that to her. I love her too much to ever do that to her._

Clark sighed and looked down upon the hundreds and thousands of people going about their business in the city below. He envied them; they could go about their lives without worrying about things like this. They could just fall in love with whomever they wanted whenever they wanted. In Clark's eyes, happily ever after just seemed so much easier for them.

But then he thought of the priest.

_I guess that's not really true. I'm not the only one sacrificing the things I want for the good of others._

How many more people were out there that gave up everything in the hope that they might make the world just a little better for everyone else? If the priest at St. John's was any sort of standard, there certainly must be a lot of men in black in the world that were doing just that every day. None of them had extraordinary powers that let them accomplish amazing physical feats of strength and agility. Their only superpower was their ability to love others without limits.

_The world certainly needs more of them._

Clark's sensitive hearing picked up a new sound within the Daily Planet Building. It was a low, steady beat, a sound that he knew very well: Lois' heartbeat. She was back from whatever assignment that Perry had sent her on. Clark looked down through tons of steel and concrete to see that she had just entered the lobby and was now waiting for the elevator to take her up to the bullpen.

Lois.

_What am I going to do? Lord, God, if your are up there, help me know what I'm supposed to do._

It was now painfully clear that he couldn't have it both ways. In order for him to continue being Superman, Clark would have to give up Lois.

_Or maybe I need to give up Superman…_ That was something that Clark really hadn't considered very much. Would it be so wrong for him to go after something that he wanted just this once? In the years that he had spent protecting people as Superman he had saved countless lives and stopped numberless crimes, both big and small. Maybe it was time for him to retire, to hang up the cape and focus on living a normal life. A life with Lois. The world had gotten along alright before he had shown up, and the world would likely go on long after he was dead.

_That's it then; I'll give up Superman and be with Lois._

But that thought did not bring any peace to Clark. Instead he was filled with a deep anxiety and uneasiness. The thought itself had a slippery, oily feeling to it; it was hard to describe. All in all, it simply felt wrong.

Clark sighed again as the rain continued to soak into him. Just because the world had 'gotten along' before he arrived did not mean that he could simply ignore the world's problems. There were so many terrible things in history that could have been stopped or prevented all together if Superman had been around back then. Fires that engulfed entire cities and killed thousands might have been put out in minutes instead of burning for days. The deadly effects of earthquakes and floods that destroyed so many lives could have been blunted before they ever had a chance to do real harm. Wars that were fought by evil little men over petty greed and pride could have been stopped before the even started. Names of places like Auschwitz and Dachau wouldn't be inscribed in the memory of every person on the planet.

The people of earth had seen so much pointless death and destruction. He was capable of stopping things like that from happening in the future. He was capable of giving countless millions of people a chance for life if only he would choose to love them without reservation, if he would only choose to love everyone in the world without giving anyone a special preference.

Of course there would always be people that he emotionally cared for more than the nameless and faceless multitudes; his mother, Jimmy, Perry, Lana, Pete and Lois. But love wasn't about emotions; love was more than feeling good and enjoying your time spent with others. Love was a conscious choice, an act of the will, a decision to give of yourself with no thought of receiving anything in return. To love meant laying down your own life so that others might live.

_I guess this must be what the priest called 'discerning my vocation.'_

Just then Clark was surprised to hear the roof-access door swing open. He had been so caught up in his thoughts that he hadn't even heard whoever it was climb the stairs. He turned around to see the most beautiful woman in the world staring at him with an expression of delighted surprise on her face, an expression which quickly melted away into concern as she regarded him. She could tell that he wasn't in the happiest of moods at the moment.

"Hi," he said as he continued to study her in with his eyes. She was so beautiful; he could spend all day just looking at her.

"Hi yourself," she responded, "you don't look so hot right now. You okay?" She took a step toward him, moving out into the rain, oblivious to the fact that she would soon be just as soaked as he was.

"I've been better," he replied quietly. His heart began to ache again. Everything he wanted was standing right in front of him, so close yet just beyond his reach.

"You wanna talk about it?" she asked him with a genuine concern in her voice.

Not very many people got to see this side of Lois Lane. She was normally always the tough-as-nails, take-no-prisoners type of reporter for the _Daily Planet_ that would stop at nothing to get her story. But here on the roof, in the rain, she was giving him a rare glimpse of the tender and caring heart that beat within her breast. A heart that he could recognize from a thousand miles away.

A heart that he couldn't bear to see irreversibly shattered into a million pieces.

_Yes, I want to talk with you. I want to tell you that I love you more than life itself. I want to hold you in my arms and sweep you off to some far away land where the two of us could live in solitude and peace, where we could love each other without the cares of the world creeping in on us, where time would stand still so that my eyes could drink in your beauty in its fullness at every moment, where we could simply be together forever._

But such a place did not exist. Wherever he went, no matter how fast or far he flew, he would always be able to hear the countless cries of people in need. People that he chose to love, even if he didn't know their names. He would always have to leave her to help someone else, because that was simply who he was; it was who he was created to be.

"Thank you for the offer, Lois. You're always around when I need a friend."

"I do what I can," she replied as a small worried frown crept onto her beautiful face. The rain had finally decided that it had thoroughly cleansed the city below and was now moving off to water another dry and weary part of the globe. The sun came out in all its glory to shed its light and warmth on the people below.

Clark sighed as he felt the sun's rays energize his tired body with new life and strength.

"Sometimes I just need to be reminded why I'm here, what my purpose in this world really is, who I'm supposed to be."

"Who you're supposed to be?" she said with a smile, "that's easy, you're Superman."

Clark looked up into Lois' eyes and held them with his own for a moment. The new light of the sun was caught in her beautiful eyes and it made them sparkle with untold brilliance. That moment seemed to stretch out for an eternity.

And in that moment the Man of Steel felt his heart break.

"You're right, Lois," he said as he returned her smile with one of his own, "I'm Superman…"

Her smile grew and she let out a small laugh when she heard those words.

"…And I always will be."


	7. Epilogue: Six Months Later

Epilogue: Six Months Later

It was an early Monday morning when Clark Kent walked into St. John's Church once again. He smiled and adjusted his glasses has he looked around to take in the beautiful architecture and artwork that composed the building. The stained glass windows in particular were truly a sight to behold, you just didn't see buildings like this very often anymore. The people who had built this church truly loved the work they were doing.

Clark brought his attention down from the lofty ceilings and windows to find that the morning Mass was just ending. He waited for the priest to process to the back of the church and then waited some more as the man shook hands and exchanged a few heartfelt words with the members of his flock.

Clark smiled at the apparent ease with which the priest was able to love his people, but he knew better. Clark knew that the reason the priest was able to love with such devotion, with such limitless strength was because underneath the happy exterior was a man with a wounded heart, a heart that truly understood what it meant to take up its cross and follow the Master to Calvary. A _priestly_ heart.

Clark put a hand to his own chest to feel the slow rhythmic beat within, to feel the pain of a wound that he knew would never truly heal. But that wound had become perhaps his greatest strength. He now understood the sacrifice that love required because of his wounded heart. It was a wound that helped him not merely sympathize with others, but to empathize with them; to know and understand the depths of their suffering, to enter into it with them in order to bring them love and consolation. In six short months, a wounded Superman had been able to do more good than he would have ever thought possible; he was no longer just physically helping people, he was also showing them the love that they so desperately craved.

As the priest finished greeting the last few stragglers, he looked up to see a tall, dark-haired man who was wearing a pair of think, horn-rimmed glasses standing off to the side of the church. The priest walked over to Clark, and extended his hand in greeting.

"Welcome to St. John's. I don't think I've seen you around here before, are you new in town?"

"No," Clark responded, "I've been living in this city for quite some time now."

"Well, was there something I could help you with?" the priest asked with a smile.

"Actually there is," Clark responded with a smile of his own, "A friend of mine mentioned you, and I was hoping that we could just talk for a bit."

"Absolutely. Luckily, I happen to have the morning free, so why don't we head over to the rectory and see what's on your mind…"


End file.
